The Catholic Message Board

I had a coworker (Barb) years back who went through some weird stuff with her own daughter (Shannon).
It all started shortly after her daughter had her own first child around 2010.

Barb was all excited for it. She took the week off of work to be there for her daughter as well as her granddaughter.
When Barb came back to work after that week I was expecting her to come back on cloud 9.

Barb comes into the office sobbing. Thinking that this was just being morose about not getting to spend more time with her granddaughter, Barb stated that Shannon only allowed Barb and her husband 15 minutes to see their granddaughter for the entire week.... not a daily average.

And as the years went by it only got worse. Barb attempting to draw near to her daughter's family, only to get pushed away.

Our positions at that bank were severed in 2016 as the department moved to TX. No longer working with Barb I just held out to the hope that she would eventually make whatever amends that needed to be made. Well I spoke with her recently and she informed me that nothing has changed.... aside from distance between her and her daughter's family. Barb told me that her daughter went on to have another child, whom she never once got to see. She has never met her grandson once. Barb's daughter is a nurse but at a very high level. They live in a nice neighborhood. They were all close prior to the granddaughter's birth. Barb told me that she has since come across other people who experienced something similar. So much so that there's a name for it: Adult Child Estrangement.

I was completely nonplussed over the whole situation. My parents died at a young age... what I would do to have them to be able to see my children. It almost brings me to tears thinking about it now. My mom never met either of my children. My daughter has my mom's first name as her middle name.... but my dad died two weeks before my daughter was born and never got to meet her. He met my son, but my son was 4 when my dad died. So I just can't make sense of it.


My mother in law just recently told me a story almost exactly like what happened to Barb. Her friend's daughter recently gave birth... and now that daughter wants nothing to do with her parents. She lets them occasionally see their grandchild.... but only for minutes. Maybe 45 at most with them paying very close attention to the clock. Letting them know exactly when they need to leave. Months can go by and they won't get a chance to see their grandchild. And, like Barb's situation, it only seems to grow worse with time.


I can't imagine how I would feel if I had grandchildren that my children actively prevented me from being able to see them grow up.

It is a sad story, with several people suffering ... now and in the future.

The relationship of grandparents, parents, and children is fraught with risk. DF and I know of several instances where estrangement happened; but there is usually a backstory or a checkered history that has not been apparent or known. Hidden resentment, perceived or actual wrongs, cutting of strings, and so on.

Seems like you've only heard one side of the story.

I always try to bear in mind that I'm not hearing the whole thing. People sometimes outright lie, but more often they tell the story they way they experienced it and what they thought was important. Someone else might view it differently.

So there's no telling what kind of sadness lies behind these things, but they're sad no matter what.

Those are both good things to keep in mind with this. I don't know the full story. It's hard to conceive of what would bring it to this. But, maybe I don't want my mind to go to those possibilities. But, just an ugly situation.

I'm sad to say that this has developed with my husband's daughters.

Quick synopsis, if you care: It was a gradual thing at first. (He and their mother divorced when they were small). It started with them outgrowing overnighters at his place. Then they preferred holidays with their mom's side (more kids their age?). He went to all their sports events and school activities. After high school, they had work and college classes. Then dating. Most of my husband's time with them, by that stage, was hanging out at the coffee house where they both worked. That made up probably 75% of his time with them. Then the coffee shop closed, which my husband dreaded.

So when did it turn to actual estrangement? When, after multiple invitations to join us for activities, they were always too busy, we just quit asking. We left it up to them to make time for us. I presume they came to the realization that they hadn't seen their dad in a while. When Christmas rolled around (the one and only holiday we got with them), they were no-shows. We were hurt and baffled.

My husband reached out to have a sit-down with them, and one daughter agreed. I won't belabor you with nit-picking details, but the one daughter allowed us limited, uncomfortable re-admittance into her life for a while. But COVID provided them with a renewed excuse to keep us at arm's length again. We haven't seen them in five years, except for bumping into them in public, and they gave us the cold shoulder. There is one 7-yr-old grandchild, and one 4-yr-old whom we've never seen, and now his other daughter is expecting her first.

I have a cousin who raised his children in a protestant home. One of his sons married a protestant gal whose family thinks that my cousin's religion is wrong, so they cut them out of their lives.

It just seems to me that people these days are quick to decide that their parents are "toxic" or whatever.

That’s incredibly hard to hear that weight. I can’t imagine a child being so flippant with their parents. I’ve mentioned it before, but both my parents died at a young age. Life was awkward at times with my mom’s drinking and my dad’s exhaustion in dealing with it. But what I would give for my kids to get to meet them both.

It’s sad to think of your husband sitting in the coffee where they worked. Probably off to the side so as to not be too big of a presence while they work. That time meaning so much to him yet probably an afterthought for them.

I pray they soften their hearts towards you both.

One of my daughters is going through this. Two of her children only reach out to her when they need something from her, and then they're gone again. It makes me sick to my stomach to see how they suck up to her, get money or whatever from her, and then turn on her like rabid dogs. She has a two yo grandson she's seen only a couple of times, and a newborn granddaughter that neither she nor the rest of our family have been allowed to meet.