One Month Later - lessons learned along the way

[Mrs. Timmy]

I posted this on my FB earlier and thought I'd share here as a kind of update.
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One month ago today was the day my Timmy passed away. That makes today a good day to reflect on a few lessons I've learned about the transition into widowhood.
1. Roll with the punches, and trust me, you WILL get punched in the gut, usually when you least expect it. Don't hide your emotions, no matter what they happen to be at the time. Your time to "be strong" was put on hold when your spouse passed. If you remember something joyous, laugh. If grief is crushing you, cry. If you're angry, find a safe way to vent it. This is where close friends are crucial, as they are not going to hold you liable for anything you say or do at this time, even if they have not experienced this kind of loss themselves.
2. Your friends are there for you. Don’t be afraid to lean on them and don’t wait for an invitation from them. They may not fully understand what you're going through, but they love you and want to help you heal. True friends will feel honored that you sought them for strength while you’re grieving.
3. (THIS HAS BEEN ESPECIALLY VALUABLE) A good friend who you know is available in the wee hours of the morning is beyond measure. I’m fortunate enough to have two: one works swing shifts and gets off at midnight; the other lives in a time zone 7 hours ahead of me and is just finishing the morning coffee when I’m dealing with the insomnia that is inevitable and random. They don’t mind a phone call or a text when I just can’t turn off my brain and have turned those sleepless nights from unbearable to downright healthy, at least emotionally (I still have to deal with the subsequent sleep deprivation, but that’s what naps or sleeping in are for).
4. Nature abhors a vacuum. Find something beneficial to fill the time you used to spend with your spouse and celebrate the victories (no matter how great or small) you can claim from them. I’ve taken up daily walks, pray the Liturgy of the Hours daily, have stopped stress eating, and am making healthier choices when I do eat. As a result, I’ve lost 16 lbs. in the past month and have grown stronger in my faith. I also document my progress (and these little lessons here are another facet of this). By letting others know what I’m doing through weekly social media updates, I have received encouragement that has pushed me through the temptation to let up on my determination to succeed.
Of course, everyone's grief process is different and something I found to be significant may not apply to someone (or anyone) else. But I've found these lessons to be valuable, and I share them in the hopes that someone else may see the value in them.

[Obi-Wan Kenobi]

[zeno]

The two pieces of advice I got when my parents passed away that I really learned from were 1) Grief hits in waves and sometimes by surprise. Don't fight it, let yourself experience it and grieve so you can heal (I think that is similar to your #1) and 2) You probably feel like things will never be "normal" again - and you are right. But in time there will be a new normal and that will be ok.

Best,
Z

[crossquad]

Greetings;

Don't cremate, keep a burial plot to hold a last thread. An organic geranium would be nice .My mother always had one ready to go.
The red is just the right hue a hearth heart would have.

by(e)immiT

[Riverboat]

I was touched by your honesty in your post of advice. I'm sorry for your loss, and pray for his soul as well as your well-being.

I almost lost my wife in May of 2017. It was a shaky two weeks. Thankfully, she pulled through. But it reminded me to start a folder I labeled "Just in Case." I'm putting all the information I'll need on finances, burial plots, insurance, etc. The trauma of losing a spouse or family member is bad enough without having to deal with the weight of things that have to be attended to.

[Jack3]

[Mrs. Timmy]

A close friend of mine is a nurse with the area VA hospital; while things were at their worst with Timmy, my friend asked my permission to give my contact info to the chaplain there. (Just for clarification, and for those who didn't already know, I'm a Veteran.) As I'm one never to turn down a prayer request, I gave permission. I had several beneficial conversations with the Chaplain, who also arranged to have the Catholic priest who celebrates a weekly Mass there to have one said for my husband while he was still lucid enough to know what was going on. Timmy watched the livestream and received great comfort from it.

Fast-forward to the day after I published this, and I received out of the blue an email from the Chaplain telling me that he was still praying for me and asked if there was anything he could do for me. Of course, I asked for continued prayers, but also forwarded him my OP. He asked me if he could share with his fellow chaplains, and I gave permission. Turns out that he shared with ALL the VA Chaplains! Talk about "pressed down and flowing over"!

I also told him something I didn't realize until several days later: that the hand of God was clearly in every lesson I've learned since my husband's passing. I told him the full story below, edited to remove some identifying information.

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This story is actually about another very dear and close friend. "Lou" and I actually met on the day before I married Tim. It was his first day on a temporary duty post where I worked. We collaborated on a major project and formed the kind of fraternal bond similar to that of Veterans who served together. After he returned to his permanent assignment, we stayed in touch. After leaving that position, he took classes to become a certified life coach. Every now and again, he would ask my assistance, either as a interviewee for a research project or as an editor for a paper he’d written. I was always happy to help my friend; after all, it was his encouragement that got me to leave the comfort zone of my abilities and discover just how much I’d been selling myself short when it came to what I could do (and do well). He obtained his certification and entered into his new career with his new wife and new life with her. He seems to be enjoying himself very much and I’m thrilled that he’s found so much happiness!

That brings us to early May of this year. Lou and I hadn’t communicated since Christmas. He was writing an article for the June issue of a professional journal and wanted my editorial advice. His article was about strategies to combat feelings of depression that divorced dads might feel with the approach of Father’s Day. We emailed back and forth over the course of about a week, and by the third draft, we were both happy with the result. He submitted his article and gave me the link when it was published, and I thought nothing more of it, especially since my husband was well into his final decline by that time and I had way too many other things clamoring for my limited headspace.

Then Timmy passed away and I dealt with all that goes with it. I kind of drifted from day to day that first week, then I became aware that I needed to find ways to occupy the time I once spent caring for my husband. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I did know I wanted those activities to be beneficial ones. I’d already lost 5 pounds just because I didn’t feel like eating more often than not. My stress levels had gone down, and I had been terrible about stress eating. I became more mindful of what I ate, and more notably, when. Bottom line is: if I’m not hungry, I don’t eat. Simple and easy. I’ve been keeping salad items in the house instead of the canned pastas and Little Debbies Tim would always want to eat. Then I realized that, if I was actually going to make a go of losing weight, I’d better start walking around my neighborhood, which is conveniently in the form of a loop. To keep my brain engaged while I walked, I listened either to Fr. Mike Schmitz’ Bible in a Year podcast (since this is actually my third trip through the Holy Scriptures with Fr. Mike) or the Holy Rosary podcast by Bruce Downs Ministries, because he and his wife Rosemary are Aussies and I just love their accents! I’d also decided I’d start praying The Liturgy of the Hours throughout the day.

So I’d been taking on all of these positive activities for about a week when it dawned on me: I was doing everything Lou had mentioned in the article I’d edited for him! I was getting out into nature and exercising. I was reaching out to close friends more than I had in ages. I was even journaling after a fashion. The only thing on the list I wasn’t doing was reading, unless you count my time with my written word devotionals: The Catechism in a Year, and The Liturgy of the Hours. If ever anyone was NOT the intended audience for Lou’s article, it was me: a widowed mom, grandma, and great-grandma who is not a member the professional community in which the article was published. I never would have read Lou’s advice and subconsciously known what to do to sustain my mental and physical health through this traumatic experience that was uncharted territory had not my dear friend and author of the article sought my editorial expertise.

The friend who introduced me to the VA Chaplain has taught me (whether intentionally or not, I couldn’t say) to recognize and take note of what he calls “God things” that happen in my life - things that clearly bear the mark of divine intervention. Editing that article for Lou was very much a “God thing,” and when I think of all the moving parts He had to put into place over so much time for that to happen, it astounds me all the more. I am truly blessed indeed. Thanks be to God!

[Dorothy B.]

Dear Mrs. Timmy,

I will keep you and Timmy in my prayers. I have been a widow since 1998.

It was very good to read all that you wrote; thanks for sharing that.

Peace and Blessings to you,

Dorothy B.

PS - ( I still don't understand internet technology very well; if it weren't for my daughter I wouldn't be on the internet at all.)